You and I and We
When I first read Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits, one of the many concepts that jumped out was his ‘Maturity Continuum’ [don’t let the name put you off]. The core idea is that our emotional maturity is a progression, from You to I to We.
Everyone starts in the ‘You’ phase. This is where we are dependent on others, thinking they control what happen to us. ‘They’ might start with our parents, then go on to include our boss, partner, the government, ‘that idiot on social media’, or whoever.
- “I need YOU to do this.”
- “I need YOU to take responsibility for that.”
[Sometimes, we get stuck here].
‘I’ is where we are independent, and take personal responsibility for our actions. Understanding that while we don’t always get to choose what happens to us, we can always choose our response.
- “I can do this.”
- “I will take responsibility for that.”
[Sometimes, we get stuck here, too].
‘We’ is where we recognise our interdependence - our connections. We see that our individual decisions affect - and are affected by - the people and the world around us.
- “WE can do this.”
- “WE have responsibility for that.”
Covey presents it as a series of steps to take - You, to I, to We.
Dependent, to independent, to interdependent.
What if we were to think about it slightly differently? Rather than moving from one to the next and leaving the previous behind, we instead hold all three as possibilities.
There is a space for ‘You’. Times when it’s OK to ask for help, or hold someone else accountable for their actions.
There is a place for ‘I’. Situations where we can individually step up, or look in the mirror and take responsibility for our choices.
And they both connect to ‘We’. Where can You and I become We? Where are we stronger together?
It’s not a clear, linear progression from one neatly defined stage to the next - You to I to We. Rather, there is overlap and interplay between the three positions.
We are a messy mix of dependent, independent, and interdependent - all at the same time.
You, and I, and We.